Good morning and hoping this finds everyone well and rested. Once again I woke up at 4:20 am to my back hurting so bad I had to just get up. My pain management doctor is closed for vacation this whole week and their message states if you need assistance got to the ER. WTF? You would think they would find someone to cover for them rather than sending patients to the ER. I have a appointment with her on Monday and believe me she is going to hear it. This pain medication is NOT working and I am getting really irritable because I hurt. With vacation just a week away I want some relief.
Today is chemo day for momma. She has this one and one more before we leave on our trip. Then she will have a break. I feel so sorry for her after her treatments. It is all she can do to step into the front door and make it to her chair. Why does cancer and treatment have to be so horrible? I just don't understand with all the research why they can't find a cure or at least easier treatment. My question would be do they really want to? There is so much money to be made off of cancer patients. Just makes you wonder.
Connor is sleeping in and looks as peaceful as a angel. He is such a good boy. He and I had a hard conversation last night. He is having a hard time dealing with grandma and cancer. He said "she won't be around to see me graduate and do all the things she and I had planned." This breaks my heart. He is her world and why is she getting cheated? All she has ever done is work and raise me. I wanted her to have a happy retirement and enjoy life and instead she has cancer. Connor says he feels like he needs to pull away emotionally so he doesn't feel as hurt when cancer wins. I explained to him that he needs to spend time with her and make memories because when she is gone she is gone. Memories is all he will have left. It is hard to have this conversation with a 13 year old and try to make him understand. He says he loves her more than anything and I know he is hurting. Challa and I discussed doing some family counseling when we return from our trip. Maybe at the Chapel. This might help all of us deal with our situation. I know I struggle every day but I try to put on a strong face. Inside I feel like I am dying a slow death, the thought of not having my mom is something I just can't bear to think about. She has always been my world. Yes, I have Connor and Challa but that isn't my mom. Being a daughter and caregiver is very hard and everyday I wish I could turn back time to before she got sick. I relive the day I was told she had it over and over in my head. I imagine the cancer and where it is in her body like it is a person and searching for somewhere to latch on and destroy. The feelings of helplessness are huge. Every time I tuck her in at night I cherish her eyes and the look on her face. I don't ever want to forget. My fear is that when she is gone I will need to ask her a question or find comfort in her words and she won't be here. It's not fair!!!
Well enough sadness for one day. Hope you all have a wonderful day and love your love ones because we never know how much time we have with them.
Lori
No comments:
Post a Comment